I'm writing this today for as a normal teenager I do dislike my body for I'm not the perfect size 8, I'm not the prettiest and I do have a hard home life. I suspect most of you reading this think that you understand these feelings, but do you really? These feelings aren't normal ones and have lead me to feel depressed, have anxiety attacks and also self harm! Now before you start judging me, no I am not trying to obtain pitty point, I just want to make people aware of what others go through!
Here is a back story of my life, I have two sisters and a brother, me being the youngest of the clan. When I was four years old my life changed for the worse for my parents decided to separate. This impacted greatly on my sibling and I, for we where seen as the prize. My parents would not be able to stand to be in the same room as each other, birthdays and holidays were ruined by there pity arguments. Resulting in my dad moving to London and us only seeing him once a fortnight, which to a young girl is a long time. I guess I got used to it all as I am too young to remember the times before that, but as I see my friends with a happy family my heart still aches and wonders what life could have been like.
As years went by it all stayed the same, the arguments, the fighting and the screaming. This got even worse when my parents decided to actually divorce 5 years later. As you can image life began to get harder for me!
Except this year everything changed, I moved in with my dad leaving my mum. I fell out with my siblings, my dad and his girlfriend got extremely close and to top it all of I began my GCSE year. This was the year that really lead me to become depressed, I isolated myself form friends, my grades dropped dramatically and I went into a state where I was left with no feelings. I began to experience anxiety attacks which began to occur frequently and became worse. To the point where I would miss school.
You may wonder why this happened, it was due to moving in with my dad, don't get me wrong I love him, but it's tough be in a household where you see your parent for around a maximum of ten minutes a day, when you have to clean and tidy and where you have to cook. This is a rare occurrence in Cambridge, for as I go to a private school the majority of my friends have a stay at home mum, or a cleaner! Both which I don't, so it's hard for me seeing people who don't have to do anything at home and who treat things like shit for they knew someone will always clean up after them. It's ridiculous!
As I began to struggle not only at home by at school, my depression got worse and this lead me to begin to hate myself. I couldn't bare to look in the mirror for I saw myself as obese, I saw myself as ugly and a waste of human life! For arguments with people had lead them to call me ugly, the unwanted child, a mistake of nature, a failure, a bitch, a cunt, a retard, a creatin and the list goes on! So after hearing all these comments again an again I began to believe them, so I began to want to disappear for I believed no one would miss me! I began to start cutting so I could inflict pain on myself, but I also wanted to see if I was cable of feeling pain. This lead me to a state of numbness where I couldn't feel any emotion. I would fake happiness and fake laughter at school for I couldn't bare for people to ask me questions! As the cutting progressed I started to seriously harm myself.
Then one day whilst at my mums, she caught a glance of my arm and instantly knew something was wrong, I still thank my mum for seeing this for I genuinely believe that without her I wouldn't be here to day for the thoughts of suicide crossed my mind hundreds of times a day. I guess I knew that anyday I would end up taking my life into my hands, so I sunconscienely flashed my arm to my mother for I knew that would be the day I stopped !
After that day I began seeking help, I started taking to the nurses at my school, started seeing a therapist and even shared some hard stuff with my friends. Of course I didn't tell them everything so I guess if they read this they will now know all about the self harming, depression and anxiety! But I thank all my family and friend and the help I received for getting me to this place today, for now I have learnt to deal with my depression and anxiety in a healthy way.
So I urge all of you to cherish your family's and friends and to be thoughtful of those who do suffer from anxiety and depressions and those who do self harm. I hope you all benefit from this post for I'm sharing my story for the first time so you know what it can be like, and so if you do suffer you can learn to seek help from others. Or if you see someone struggling you can help and guide them to the right place!
Just help put and end to suicide !
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